June recap

For those who haven’t noticed, these couple of months I haven’t been blogging and posting reviews as much as I used to when I first started this blog. Not because I haven’t watched any films or read any books, on the contrary there are quite a few waiting to be reviewed since pretty much April. But these months have gone really bad and I wanted to take this chance and let you know what’s been going on. I was determined not to share my personal experiences in here but now I believe that some of you may find comfort in my words, or maybe something that you are about to read will ring a bell for someone close to you, and you’ll make a difference in their lives. And that’s a lot more important than privacy.

I have been fighting with severe anxiety disorder and social anxiety since pretty much 2013. Meaning that for the last three years I regularly experience anxiety and panic attacks when I’m outside with friends, on the bus, at work, sometimes even at home. When things became really ugly (back in 2014) I ended up in the hospital and, after that, I was diagnosed with depression for the first time. I knew something was wrong from the very beginning and I wanted to seek professional help, but my close ones wouldn’t understand. Friends and family were both confused on why would I feel this way, when there was no apparent reason to. Was I just spoiled? Was I ungrateful that even if there was nothing missing from my life, still had those feelings?  So not only was I baffled and scared, unable to understand what’s happening, I then started feeling guilty for not being strong enough.

I didn’t get the help I much needed and continued living with my disorders, always putting a brave face and trying my best not to let anyone know how I felt. What did I do to get through? I reorganised my whole life around my anxiety: beginning by quitting substances that could lead to an attack (such as coffee and alcohol) I continued by quitting pretty much everything: I would walk instead of using any means of transport, I gave up my hobbies, travelling and, ultimately, this year I stopped going out unless it was absolutely necessary. I would dig anything that upset me deep in my soul and I wouldn’t talk to anyone about my feelings, any more. I became a shell, honestly forgot who I am.

I lost myself.

Back in December 2015, after a really bad panic attack, I finally made the right decision and asked for help. Around the same time I started my blog: since I wouldn’t go out at least I could share some of my thoughts on things I love and feel a little bit less lonely and alone. Due to the overcrowding of Greek hospitals, I had to wait until March to get an appointment and started therapy just two months ago.

This has been the best decision I have ever made.

The process of therapy is so not an easy one. A lot of buried thoughts and feelings have come to surface and I now have to actually deal with them. These two months I’m trying so hard to face my reality and I’m not always succeeding in it. I get my ups and downs and the downs have been really bad ones, because deep down I keep blaming myself for losing so much precious time. But I now know what I have to do, and I’m doing it, one step at a time.

So, for anyone who made it to the end, thank you. And if you’re seeing yourself, a relative or a friend in any of the above, please please get the help you need.

I promise you won’t regret it.

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4 thoughts on “June recap

  1. That’s so good you’ve been able to find help and support and can express how you feel. I wish you all the best and I hope you’ll find the energy and inspiration to keep writing as well. Sending you healing vibes and hoping you’ll find the resources to manage. Bonne Courage.

    1. I was so afraid to express how I feel, that I’d rather spend all these years pretending everything is fine, not realising how much pressure I was putting on me. Scared that people wouldn’t understand, would judge, would think less of me. I literally became a high-functional shadow of who I really am. It’s such a shame.

      Thank you for your kind comment and positive thoughts.

  2. I am so proud of you! Battling with anxiety disorder is -or seems to be- an obstacle you can’t overcome and admitting it publicly takes some balls! I wish you all the best with your struggle and know that you re not alone!

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